i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
