I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
