Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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