ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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