now i know why i became what i already was.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
