if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
