After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
