I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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