I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
