Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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