she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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