Nicole vs. Life
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
