So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
