How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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