my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
