He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
