how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
