i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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