How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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