My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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