Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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