Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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