You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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