peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
nutella sex= disaster
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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