I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
