dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
