Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
