So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
