why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
