You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
