ugly people sure do ruin things
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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