I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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