He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
dude. I can hear the air.
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