My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
