So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
