Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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