You're my little dorito
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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