she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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