I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
