I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
