she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
