So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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