Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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