Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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