She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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