We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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