Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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