my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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