Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
