are you still at the devil's house?
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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