I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
