rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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