hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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