Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
