Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
