Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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